Ranma's Tattoo Blues
by obsidians
Summary: Ranma and the rest of the NWC males get drunk together and decide to get tattoos. This leads to uncomfortable times ahead for Ranma. Rated T for the heck of it.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own Ranma and am already poor.

It had been a hard battle in which the typical things had happened. It had started with Shampoo glomping onto Ranma in front of Furinkan High School and ergo Kuno, Ukyou and Akane. Mousse had magically appeared out of nowhere to witness his ladylove in the reluctant embrace of his friendly enemy, which caused him to explode and charge the other martial artist. That he was struggling to get away from her never registered to his blind eyes.

Naturally Ukyou got jealous and had tried to prise Ranma from the embrace of the lusty Amazon, and then the murderous male one. Akane had gotten mad at being snubbed by Ranma as the two girls struggled for the attention of her own designated finance and had left in a huff. This caused Ranma to chase after her, pursued by the other three.

Ryoga had turned up on the scene, had taken one look at Ranma being chased by amorous females (and one non-amorous hidden weapons martial artist) and had declared he was cheating on Akane. Kuno had agreed and they'd teamed up to both take vengeance on Ranma. Chaos had ensued when all three boys had tag teamed Ranma, while the girls charged to his defense, causing a mish mash of flying chains, duck training potties, giant spatulas, bokkens, large umbrellas and flying kicks. Even gym weapons were present and accounted for as Kodachi had conveniently left her own school and turned up on the scene, much as Ryoga had done. Eventually Ranma cornered the girls and demanded that they leave or they might get hurt. This caused the three advanced female martial artists to bond over macho bullshit and all of them parted ways in a huff, leaving the four battered and bruised boys struggling to catch their breaths. "You know, I get really sick of this shit" Ranma said out loud to no one in particular.

"I do to" Mousse admitted.

"I feel the same way" Ryoga added.

"I think we need a drink" Kuno declared, setting his bokken on his shoulder.

The other three just looked at him. "It's the morning and we have to go to school" Ranma pointed out to him.

"I offer libations that would make the angels weep with envy, a bottle or two shared amongst fallen comrades is supposed to be pleasurable experience" he rang out.

"Its expensive shit?" Ryoga asked.

"You better believe it pig man" Kuno said, looking at him shrewdly.

"I do have the day off" Mousse ventured.

"And I don't go to school" Ryoga mused.

"I could get Kasumi to write me a note explaining why I was absent" Ranma add.

"Come gentlemen, the matters settled; to my humble abode" Kuno said striding ahead.

Several hours...and several bottles later, all fours boys were nicely pickled.

"That Akane's really hot" Kuno said with a belch.

"Yeah, but what a crazy temper" Ranma said with an almost feminine giggle.

"Hey, Akane's perfect!" Ryoga cried, staggering to his feet.

"I beg to differ my friend, I have several times felt the claws that that kitten conceals" Kuno objected.

"You take that back!" Ryoga threatened.

"Look, she beats me up all the time..." Kuno said.

"Me too!" Ranma said, launching himself to his feet, only to stumble and fall back heavily into his chair. "Kuno I think there's something wrong with your chair, it won't let me up"

"Akane's temper makes her go bat shit" Mousse declared, "even I can see that."

"Not you too" Ryoga said, starting towards him in a threatening manner.

"Have another drink my friend" Kuno suggested and poured one into Ryoga's empty glass. "We are all on neutral territory here and won't disturb the peace...or break my furniture" he threatened.

Ryoga peered down to find his glass magically full "I guess I will drink this...what were we talking about?" he asked, having forgotten his anger in his fog of drunkenness.

"We were saying that Shampoo's a cold hearted bitch" Mousse declared, the liquid courage causing him to say things he normally wouldn't even dare think.

"I'll drink to that" Ranma said, launching himself to his feet, only to fall into his chair again. "Seriously Kuno, does this chair have some sort of glue on it?" he questioned.

"You know who I love almost as much as Akane?" Kuno asked.

"The Pigtailed Goddess" all three said without thinking.

Ranma did his giggle again "Kuno, I am her" he declared.

"It's true, Mousse and I turn into a duck and a pig; those are our curses. His is to turn into a girl" Ryoga said.

"Stop mocking my love!" Kuno cried.

"She has my face. Picture me in a red wig, only shorter and feminine" Ranma said.

Kuno shuddered at the idea "she's a woman through and through" he declared.

"She can be, Ranma's kind of cute as a girl" Ryoga said and slapped his hand over his mouth. His blush matched Ranma's while Mousse just gave the lost boy a look.

"She's me!" Ranma said, doing his stand up/sit down routine.

"As if a man would choose to live as a man if he had a choice. A woman's body is so much nicer" Kuno said.

"I agree with that. So why do you live as a man?" Mousse asked Ranma.

"So I won't get hit on by you when you aren't wearing your glasses...again" Ranma said and laughed when Mousse blushed.

"You know who else I think is cute? Ukyo" Ryoga declared.

"I agree with you there" Mousse said.

"I thought you never looked at other girls besides Shampoo?" Kuno said in confusion.

"I may be blind, but not that blind" Mousse said with and exaggerated shrug.

"She is cute" Ranma agreed.

"There's something wrong with my drink" Ryoga interrupted, peering into his now empty glass.

"You're drunk," Mousse slurred with a laugh.

"I am not!" he said weaving towards him.

"I think I am" Ranma said, watching the room spin. "Does this mean we have to go get tattoos?"

The rest pondered this "That's not a bad idea" Ryoga mused.

"I want to get a swan in flight on my back" Mousse declared.

"A blue lightening blot on my shoulder blade would look stunning" Kuno said, getting into the idea.

"I thought you were the blue thunder?" Ryoga said looking at him.

"You can't draw thunder" Kuno said with a shrug.

"I could find something there" Ranma said.

"And I know a tattoo artist, he used to work with me at the circus as a tattooed man" Mousse said.

"A Chinese tattoo artist; how original" Kuno said drily.

"Look, he's good and runs a clean shop. I could call him" Mousse ventured.

"Do it" Ryoga said, handing Mousse his cell phone.

"Hello Phil, my friends and I would like to get tattoos. Are you free this afternoon?" Mousse asked. 'Phil?' everyone mouthed in confusion at each other.

"Yes we've been drinking" he admitted and paused and listened to what his friend was saying. "He says that he normally doesn't tattoo people that have been drinking as alcohol causes tattoos to bleed more then normally they would. However, he says that he will do it if we sign a release form stating that if we bleed to death he isn't liable. You guys game?" he asked them.

"Tell your friend we'll be right there" Kuno said steepling his fingers under his chin.

"Phil?" Ryoga slurred.

"He's Chinese-American" Mousse explained in the cab over.

They were greeted by an enormous muscular Chinese man; every part of his exposed skin was covered by tattoos.

"Welcome to Art-A-Torture" he said, leading them into a large and exceedingly clean tattoo shop.

"Hi Phil, these are them" Mousse said indicating to the other males in an exaggerated manner.

"Yes Mu Tzu, I had gathered that when they arrived with you" Phil said in amusement, he'd never seen the younger man drunk before. "How much have you had to drink?" he asked them.

"A bottle of wine" Kuno said cautiously.

"Actually three bottles of wine, a bottle of sake, a couple beers each, a bottle of whisky and then we decided to try making margaritas. Mousse's strawberry and pickle ones sucked" Ryoga declared a tad too loudly.

"Okay, we're going for smaller tattoos then" he said and started sketching what each person wanted. Everyone cracked up when Ryoga chose a dolphin tattoo.

"Dolphins are for chicks!" Ranma said with a giggle.

"Dolphins are peaceful and friendly creatures," Ryoga said in a huff.

"And look great on chicks," Mousse countered.

"Focus everyone. How do you plan on paying for these?" Phil asked.

Everyone looked from one to the other and then realized that they lacked money.

"Do you take credit cards? Wait, isn't this a cash only business?" Kuno questioned.

Phil looked at him and seemed to be rather offended. "This isn't some biker tattoo place from the 1970's that's operated out of the supply room of a headbanger shop. I have a business license, have been written up in the papers several times as running a good place and have a twenty four hour tattoo marathon every Christmas where I donate everything I make in that time to Toys for Tots. I take cash, debit, credit cards and cheques if photo id is provided" he explained.

"Then I shall happily finance the purchase of my comrade's tattoos" Kuno said, slapping down his credit card.

"You're so generous" Ryoga said giving him a hug that almost caused Kuno to be crushed.

"I love you Kuno" Ranma said honestly; he loved everyone at that moment.

"That should cover it, who wants to go first?" Phil asked.

"I shall my good man" Kuno said and stood up in a wobbly way. One by one they emerged to show each other their new ink. Kuno's blue lighting bolt actually looked quite nice. Mousse's swan was done on the small of his back.

"You have a tramp stamp" Ryoga cried, almost falling over in helpless laughter.

"I do not! I wanted it to be larger like angel wings, but Phil insisted on making it small. So we chose here" he said hotly.

"It'll look great with your low rise jeans and crop top" Ranma teased.

"I hate you people" Mousse said and sat down and sulked, crossing his arms.

"I think it's cute and so are you" Ryoga said, having become a cuddly drunk. Mousse just stared at him with nervous eyes.

Ryoga's dolphin looked nice curving over his shoulder and even the others had to admit that they liked it. This left Ranma, who couldn't decide what he wanted. He kept on looking at the flash sheets and the books until the other became impatient. "Ranma I'm starting to sober up; just choose something already" Ryoga complained.

"Why don't you guys go on ahead and I'll meet you back at Kuno's?" Ranma suggested. They all agreed and left him with money for a cab. Finally Ranma pointed to a tattoo "that one," he said "can you put a girl's name in it?" he asked.

"You sure you want to do that? I mean you will have to live with her the rest of your life if it doesn't work out. I know that for fact, my wife Ann resented my ex-girlfriend Lily's name being on my body. I had to get it tattooed over to please her"

"It's going to work out. Could I get it on my butt?" Ranma asked, thinking that being the most unlikely place that anyone would discover it.

"I'll put it anywhere you want" Phil said with a shrug, leading him to the table. Afterwards Ranma started to feel ill and called the others to say that he was just going home.

Ranma woke up with a sore head and behind the next day, he managed to piece together bits and pieces of the day before and laughed out loud at some of the things that had been discussed before they went to the tattoo palour...He gasped when he remembered this part. He quickly ran to the bathroom, he yanked down his boxer shorts and moaned at what he saw there. He fished out Phil's card and called him to ask how to get the tattoo removed; he was flabbergasted to learn that it had to be done by laser treatment.

He was met at school by a pale and sickly looking Kuno, "now I know why they call it shit faced" he said, studying Ranma's own drawn features. "I had to kick everyone out at midnight; what a bunch of lushes. What tattoo did you end up getting?" he asked him.

Ranma blushed and said "I chickened out" he replied.

"Really? Phil charged me for four tattoos; he emailed me the receipt this morning" Kuno said in confusion. "I'll have Mousse call him to get this straighten out" he resolved.

"It's okay, I'll pay you back for the one he charged you for me" Ranma said hastily.

"Nonsense I hate being taken advantage of" Kuno said and pulled out his cell phone.

"Really, he overcharged you? That doesn't sound like him; Phil's the most honest guy I know. I'll take care of it" the hung-over Mousse said with a groan and called Phil.

"What do you mean I didn't give Ranma a tattoo? I most certainly did" Phil said in confusion.

"Really, what was it of?" Mousse asked, figuring that Ranma had woken up and had been embarrassed by his choice.

"I can't divulge that information, it's up to Ranma to tell you" Phil said.

"Not even a hint?" Mousse asked.

Phil hesitated "it's a very popular design with a woman's name on it; it's on his rear" he said.

"Which woman's name?" Mousse said sharply.

"You're going to have to ask your friend that" Phil returned, he got the impression that he'd just opened a can of worms and wanted to protect Ranma. Mousse got suspicious at this. He reported what Phil had told him to Kuno, who also wondered who's name it was. Mousse decided to sleep in; unaware the Shampoo had been listening at his door.

"So airen got Shampoo's name tattooed on body?" she whispered, getting excited at the idea.

Nabiki's bug caught the same information, "I wonder how much Kodachi and Ukyou will pay me for this information? Akane I'll tell for free just to make things more interesting" she mused and broke into a grin that would have rivaled the Cheshire cat's.

"Tattoo?" Akane asked at Nabiki's revelation.

"Yes, apparently the boys got hammered last night and got tattooed; Ranma's is on his rear and has a woman's name on it" Nabiki said.

"Whose name?" Akane asked.

"No one knows, but I intend to find out" Nabiki said.


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry I haven't been around much. Not to whine but I took a financial hit when husband with good paying job decided to leave it to become a general contractor with an extremely small company that does strictly word of mouth advertising. This caused undue stress and insomnia that curtailed my writing. Then came the small accident that caused me to need new glasses and a root canal. Suffice it to say that Sid hasn't been a happy camper lately, but things are looking up finally.

Hope you enjoy my new chapter.

Sid

"How much?" Ranma asked in shock as he stared at the doctor as if he had grown another head.

"It would be $20,000.00 yen per visit and the tattoo would gradually fade" he explained.

"It would take more then one visit?" Ranma asked nervously.

"In most cases you need several visits, but I can't evaluate that if you won't show me the tattoo in question" he said poignantly and frowned at Ranma.

Ranma let out a groan and pushed down his pants and boxers as one unit; he turned around and bent over. The doctor out of professional courtesy slapped his hand over his mouth at what was permanently tattooed onto the boy's backside and felt sympathy for him.

"My, that sure is interesting, I can see why you wish it to be removed" he said in a somber sounding voice. He had seen bad tattoos in his time, but this took the cake. "It's not so bad" he offered out of kindness. "You must really like the girl" he added.

Ranma just glared at him "how can say this isn't bad? If anyone were to see this my life would be ruined" he cried. "Look I was drunk at the time and probably chose the wrong tattoo; hey a friend of mine got a tramp stamp done at the same time!"

The doctor looked interested in this and handed him a card after he pulled up his boxers and pants, "have your friend call me" he advised him.

"What about me, can't you help me?" Ranma almost pleaded.

"I accept insurance, cash and credit card; perhaps you can put it on your card?" he suggested.

"I'm a sixteen year old teenager, we don't have credit cards" Ranma snapped.

"Actually most teenagers your age have both credit cards and cell phones that are given to them for emergencies by their parents. Don't you?" he asked Ranma in surprised.

"My father isn't that sort of parent" Ranma said with a sigh.

"Well I can't work for free. I can give you a bit of a discount, but you will have to come up with the money from somewhere" he explained.

Ranma sighed and saw himself doing a lot of waitressing in the future. He felt fortunate that no one knew about his tattoo...until it could safely be removed. He thanked the doctor and promised that he would get in touch with him soon.

Ranma was in a foul mood when he got home to find a summons from Kuno asking him to meet him at his mansion. Grinning from ear to ear, he leaped from roof top to roof top; nothing brought him out of a bad mood like sparring.

Ukyou was suspicious when she was met at the door of the Tendo house by Nabiki "oh good the gang's all here" she commented.

"What is that jackass doing here?" Ukyou cried when she saw Kodachi sipping tea at the table.

"Yes why have you invited this peasant to our soiree?" Kodachi demanded loftily.

"Ladies calm down, I have information which might settle for once and for all who the fiancée of Ranma's heart is" Nabiki said.

"Well obviously that's me, he said I was his cute fiancée" Ukyou bragged.

"Men of Ranma's caliber don't dally with the palour maid when they can have the Queen. Obviously Ranma Darling's choice is me" Kodachi said with a sniff, earning a nasty glare from Ukyou.

"Now ladies I have a way to determine who it is, I will let you have this information for 10,000.00 yen each" Nabiki said wickedly.

Both rivals glanced at each other as if accessing what the other would do. They each remembered in the past that dealings with Nabiki had brought them favourable results and reached for their wallets.

Nabiki greedily counted each dollar, caressing them like they were a lover. She almost got lost in the texture and smell of them until Ukyou angrily cleared her throat. "Sorry, Ranma got a tattoo on his rear last night when drunk, I don't know what it is of, but it has a woman's name on it" she explained.

"Ranma Darling only lacked liquid courage to admit his love for me" Kodachi declared, clasping her hands together.

"If he thought about you when getting a tattoo when plastered it would read, 'Psycho Bitch, obvious it reads 'Ukyou.' Oh Ranma you chose an odd way of getting your message to me, but I accept your love" Ukyou said.

"I can find out for you and tell you what it is...for a price" Nabiki suggested.

"No I simply must see his proof of devotion for myself" Kodachi said with a squeal.

"That goes double for me sister," Ukyou said and they both left looking for Ranma.

"That wasn't very nice of you Nabiki; obviously Ranma's embarrassed about his tattoo and doesn't want anyone to know about it. You just set the dogs on him" Akane admonished as she joined her.

"Ranma can take care of himself, besides, at least I got paid" she said, envisioning private time for herself later rolling naked in the money.

Ranma arrived at Kuno's mansion and rang the bell; he was surprised when he was escorted by Sasuke into a candle lit room. It seemed to be a cozy palour with a large comfortable couch and a coffee table; the room didn't seem to contain much else.

Kuno stood when Ranma was shown in, Ranma jumped when Sasuke shut the door after him. "Ah Ranma, I'm glad that you accepted my invitation" Kuno enthused. "I thought that we should get to know each other a little better. Champagne?" he asked as he lifted the bottle from an ice bucket.

Ranma felt queasy at the idea of ever touching alcohol again "no thanks" he said. With a frown, Kuno settled it amidst its icy nest. "What is all this about?" Ranma asked him.

"I felt it strange that two men with so much in common really know so little about each other, I thought we should take this opportunity to get to know each other" he explained.

"What do we have in common?" Ranma asked in a baffled voice.

"We are both skill martial artists in the prime of our lives with much to offer our love interests" Kuno explained with a shrug, setting a hand on Ranma's shoulder in a companionable way and sipping his champagne delicately.

Ranma got a bad feeling and took a nervous sip of the champagne that he'd just refused. Was Kuno coming onto him? Did he now like both of Ranma's forms?

"I think that we should spend more time together as friends" he said, Ranma shivered at this. "We can tell each other our secrets that we've never shared with anyone" he whispered conspiratorially into his ear.

Ranma stood up "look Kuno I know that you like my female form and you've probably heard rumours about my...dubious sexuality, but I'm completely straight" he stammered.

"Rumours, what rumours?" Kuno said with a frown and then laughed. "Oh wait you thought I was coming onto you? I certainly didn't mean to give you that impression. As you know I am bi-nogimous to two women. I was actually wanting to know what your tattoo looked like" he said. "I know that you got one. Come on, it's only fair; I showed you mine" he coaxed.

"I'm sorry that I lied to you, but I can't show it to you. It is too embarrassing" Ranma protested.

Kuno frowned at this "more embarrassing than a tramp stamp and a dolphin?" he asked dubiously.

"Way more, look I'll pay you back for it and then we can forget about this. "I've got to go" Ranma said and gulped his champagne and started for the door.

"Oh Ranma" Kuno said in a sing-song voice as he set the champagne aside and picked up the frosty bucket.

"Yes?" Ranma answered.

"Looks like you're going to need a dry change of clothes," he said and hurled the icy water at him. Ranma gasped and tried to duck behind the couch as a wave of icy water washed over him...and then her.

She stood up with her hands clenched into fists, "what the hell did you do that for?" demanded the sputtering redhead.

"My Pigtailed Goddess" Kuno cried and glomped onto her. "How did you get in here? Never mind I shall hide you from that sorcerer Ranma Saotome"

"How many times do I have to tell you that I _am_ him?" she cried, punching him.

"I can't believe that you came to visit me, what a wonderful day!" Kuno cried.

"Look you perv, I don't like you and I'm leaving" Ranma snarled, breaking into a run.

"No you must stay for tea...and a wedding" Kuno said tackling her. Ranma gasped when she felt her too large pants slip down along with her boxer shorts at the firm grasp that Kuno had on her legs. The momentum caused the bottom of her shirt to fly forward exposing her firm buttocks in all their glory. Kuno's got a nosebleed as his eyes feasted on the splendor of her velvety rear globes. "Why Goddess I didn't know that you had a tattoo. Why it's so cute, perfect for sensitive woman like yourself" he declared. He frowned as he read it "does that really read...?" he asked, his sentence was broken off when a blushing Ranma kicked him in the head.

"Get the hell off me!" she hissed at Kuno's unconscious body as she yanked her pants back up. She frowned to see the lump on his head was covered by crossed over bandages and wondered why that happened so much when she struck someone. She shrugged and dismissed the idea of invisible nurses or helper elves and went off in search of hot water. She got excited when she discovered Kuno's onsen and helped herself to a long, hot soak. She knew that Kuno would be out for a while.

Ranma was just getting dressed when a voice like a cat's purr said "hello Ranma have you come to visit me?"

Mousse moaned in misery as Shampoo shook him until his teeth rattled. She didn't believe him when he'd told her the he didn't know what Ranma's tattoo read as he hadn't seen it. First she had tried to sweet talk him into telling her, and then bribe him with some things that he was tempted to make something up just to receive them. Finally she became more demanding and resorted to 'friendly' Amazonian interrogation techniques.

"Tell Shampoo what Ranma's butt says!" she demanded staring in his large frightened green eyes.

"I didn't see it, please just let me go" he pleaded.

"Mousse no talks, Shampoo go back to practicing drums" she said and did a full drum roll with a loud crash on the cymbals to the beat of his throbbing head. Where the drum set had come from and how she knew how to play it Mousse had no idea, but it was enough to make him swear off of alcohol.


End file.
